Can I decline being a bridesmaid?
Even if they were a bridesmaid in my wedding?
It’s so exciting and special when a friend or close family member gets engaged! And often, we dream of standing by their side at the altar as they said “I do.” But sometimes, life gets in the way.
Bridesmaid commitments have escalated drastically over the last decade to include multiple events (often all across the country), thousands of dollars and multiple outfit changes. While we often do our best to make it work, there are also going to be situations where it just can’t be accommodated. Maybe you just lost a job or went back to school and simply don’t have the budget. Maybe you are pregnant or have a newborn, and the thought of so much travel is logistically overwhelming. Or maybe you’re walking through a personal loss that has consumed your headspace and you fear you won’t rise to the enthusiasm asked for each occasion.
These are all valid reasons to decline being a bridesmaid. So in short, yes. You can decline. Even if they were the bridesmaid of the century for you at one point. But there might be room for something in-between being all in and sitting out the whole thing.
BE REALLY FREAKING HONEST
Oftentimes, brides have been eagerly awaiting their moment. They get to throw a lavish party, see all their favorite people, dress up in custom attire and take photos they’ll cherish for the rest of their lives. In planning, brides may be gushing over the bachelorette Airbnb or a bridesmaid dress to the tune of $400. But they’re still your friend. Honest communication - as much as you’re able to share - can go a long way.
Find a private, one-on-one moment to talk to the bride, whether that’s live on the phone (please don’t text about this!! so much gets lost in translation) or in-person if you live nearby. Use the sandwich method. Start with positive and end with positive, with difficult news in the middle. Start by telling her how excited you are and how much it means to you to be asked to be a bridesmaid. Then, get as honest as you can. Tell her you’re worried about money, or don’t have enough PTO days saved up for every event, or that you’re feeling overwhelmed with your life. End with saying you want to be involved and present to the best of your ability.
BRAINSTORM TOGETHER
Your bride is your friend at the end of the day. Ask her what events or aspects are most important to her and work together to talk about finding a middle ground. Maybe you agree that you can make the bachelorette weekend in Arizona, but will have to miss the bridal shower in her hometown. Perhaps you could participate virtually in some events - we all have Zoom now! Maybe she knows an amazing sitter whose contact info she can share for the wedding to help take that detail off your plate.
You might not be the only one stressed about the cost and commitments. We’re all aware of the current economy for Millennials and Gen Z - disposable income is tight. It’s possible once she hears your concerns there are aspects she can find more affordable or accessible alternatives for.
If there isn’t a happy middle
Sometimes, compromise isn’t an option. And a good friend should understand.
Before someone comes for my throat about that perspective, I speak from experience. One of my VERY best friends was in law school when I got engaged and was about to start studying for the bar. Anyone who knows a lawyer understands that is a full time job. She called me, ecstatic about the news, and gave me a heads up before I had even started asking about bridesmaids, that she loved me and knew she wouldn’t be available to show up the way she wanted to. It was too much, and she couldn’t commit without fearing disappointing me.
Know what my response was? I thanked her! I so preferred her honesty rather than risk straining our friendship. And ya know what? She ended up coming and getting ready with me the first couple hours of the wedding day. She brought me breakfast and coffee from my favorite spot and sat with me and my MOH (as well as another close friend!) drinking mimosas until it was time for me to get dressed. And then, when a mishap resulted in a huge smear of dirt on my wedding train, she was available to go drop off a Mr. Clean sponge to get it off! She literally saved the day.
And now that she’s engaged, I’m STOKED to be in her bridal party. No bitterness. Because she is my bestie. And bestie’s are understanding and compassionate for one another.
